a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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