i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
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He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
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I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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