I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If I die, sorry about rent.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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