There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I currently don't understand fingers.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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