Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
