I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
