So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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