So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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