Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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