Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
