I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
we should paint friendship bongs
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
