she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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