i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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