I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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