dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Randomize
