People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
