There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
