Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
