My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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