Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
as a side note pls kill me
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
