either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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