I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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