girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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