wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
