I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
