I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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