Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
