addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
honey bunches of taint.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
