Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
