I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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