I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
be right there i have to get my cape
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
