We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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