I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
