I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
