I love black thongs
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
