Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
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so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
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It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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