he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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