I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
