3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
