I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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