Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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