I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
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