please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
