Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
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