i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
