I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
