take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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