I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
