You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
