should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
