Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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