i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
