2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
