I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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