dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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