If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
