dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
