I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
